Being thankful in diversity . . .

Yesterday while buying pine nuts, feta cheese, persian cucumbers in the Middle Eastern grocery (Zituna in Richardson), the guy asked me "are you ready for Thanksgiving?" and I wondered to myself "what does he do for Thanksgiving?". Then I thought about the guy bagging my groceries in another store on Saturday who told me he had never eaten turkey until he came to the States . . . He is from Ethiopia

I was also reminded of the curb-side check guy who noted I was flying to Cairo last February . . . and he said he had been to Cairo many times . . . turns out he is from Sudan!

So why do I write all this???? I am thankful that I live in a place where I can meet so many people from around the world . . . and can go eat their food too, lol!!!

Re-focusing and getting organized

It was a busy weekend with fun and "work". I took a basic beading class on Saturday in which I constructed a bracelet using elastic and another one with wire (plus the earrings). Then after purchasing some beads (who can leave a bead shop without more beads???), I met a friend for lunch and ended up gifting her with one of my class projects.

Sunday seemed to be sucked away by going through the accounting stuff for Kismet, our non-profit dance organization. I did the reporting for the last 2 Dallas events which leaves one last event for the year in a couple of weeks over in Ft. Worth. I'll try to get everything ready to wrap up 2009 shortly after that so I don't have to think about it in 2010. Still think I'll be passing on the treasurer duties to someone else. I almost managed to get it done this past summer, but I agreed to stay since we are now going through a "changing of the guard" with a new director coming on board. Last night was our first meeting where she actually started talking about what she wants us to do. I guess we'll see how it goes in the next few months.

The Intro to Digital Forensics class is taking up quite a bit spare time in the evenings. Tuesdays and Thursdays I am in class from 5:30 till nearly 8:30. That is supposed to be lecture then lab time, but the instructor kinda mushes things together or switches around . . . it is sort of casual but he gets the work done. I did my first Discovery Event presentation a couple of weeks ago so that is a big hurdle. One down, one to go. We also have split into groups to do a project. At least we don't have tests to worry about because he gives us a lot of hands on things with labs every week plus the project and discovery events.

Re-focusing . . . ah, food related. Yep, been preparing myself for the low-fat, balanced eating plan by reviewing healthy recipes and buying only things that are healthy. Now to keep applying this concept. I have a couple of things to prepare today like the Tuscan Tuna-White Bean Salad and some chicken to cook up. Plenty of salad stuff and fruit. NOW the thing is to JUST DO IT!!

Am I in a state of denial??

I was thinking about those dreams and I know they point out something I've noticed before . . . . I don't see myself as a "fat" person. Never have and probably never will. Is this what is standing in the way of my becoming a "thinner" me??? OR is it that I've spent so much time "learning to accept myself as I am" that now I can't "fix" what needs to be fixed?

Seriously, I sometimes look at my "fat" as my protective coating, hehe (well, it isn't really a laughing matter). It is for protection . . . it was put on to keep me away from certain things and keep me from being hurt (OK, you know . . . men and intimacy). So I live in fear of being hurt again . . . as usual. BIG sigh . . . can't I ever grow past that feeling?? I thought I'd manage to do it. A disadvantage of a "long distance" relationship is some things just don't get worked on . . . in fact, it makes things worse as it is put off while you dwell in a state of limbo. OR the fear actually builds up even more.

Not all of my royal "fatness" is caused by relationship issues . . . there is the work stress to deal with and much of that came from the "travel-for-work" part of my career . . . long hours and restaurant meals for all the time you are gone with no time for exercise. But, WAIT . . . . I don't have that excuse now . . . so what is it really??? Bah, I have spent too much time in counselling so I can probably tell you every little detail about what is really going on . . . but I won't bore you or myself with going over the same thing over and over and over.

I am in the mode to "just do it" . . . so visited the doctor to discuss a couple of options. She gave me a couple of articles to read about the surgery options and even gave me a recommendation. She thinks, like I have been starting to think, that now is a good time to seriously consider this as I am fairly healthy and still young enough . . . . I have sooooooooo many years to live (lol, there is the melodramatic flinging up of the hands now) and I want it to be more quality years. I have done a lot of research before and decided not to follow through with it . . . but that was what??? 5 years ago?? time to do more checking. So I'll go look at the doctor's website and see what it says. I probably should go to one of those orientation type sessions if it is offered . . . and they are offered since I just checked on the website.

So many things to think about . . . PING . . . . PONG . . . . . PING . . . . PONG!

2 Strange Dreams!!

That's right not ONE, but TWO!!! what a restless night! And, although the dreams were different in scenario, they were so different in theme. Interesting enough, one was a reprise in a way of an older dream that I had many years ago. Yep, I can remember lots of older dreams since they were repetitive. Some I used to have all the time. I think I am a lot less restless than I used to be because I have been dreaming less (that I remember). I have wondered if the CPAP interferes with my dreams since it helps me to sleep much better . . . but with these dreams I think it does hold back the strongest ones.

The first one, which caused me to wake up and remove the CPAP (that restless, lol), was about me trying to get into an old apartment . . . I hadn't been there in awhile so I wasn't sure I had the right key with me. Funny thing . . . this apartment is one that I never lived in . . . except in my dreams!!! Once again, I am searching for the apartment and walk past many apartments including a section with a pool full of people having fun. I walk up a hill and find I have passed the apartment . . . I don't remember how to get there as it has been so long. I walk back down . . . but I never actually get into that apartment. Not sure exactly what it means . . . lost key, searching, not knowing the way . . . but it seems to fit into the theme.

The 2nd dream was of a more timely context but still out of sync with the reality. It had to do with going back to school! But the classroom wasn't anything like the classroom I go to and the campus was completely different .. . although at the end, I walked out into the rain (it is raining a bit this morning but not sure that is relevant). Soooo, really funny now, I am trying to take a test and the teacher is handing us the papers and other things we need to use while taking the test. There isn't much room for any of us as we are all using the same table. For some reason I leave the table to get something and someone else with a sewing machine (that's right, sewing machine) sits down next to me . . . covering up some of my papers! I try to find the test but I can't. I get another one from the teacher but now I have no place to put down my papers as the woman with the sewing machine has spread out lots of bright beads all over my other papers. I take my test and try to find another place to plop myself down. I walk into another room where there are desks (not a classroom) with people sitting at their desks eating and the rooms are decorated like Christmas. I remember the comments like "how nice it was to celebrate Christmas early". I go through several rooms feeling frantic because I know time is running out for me to take my test. Finally, I come outside and that's when I get the rain falling . . . like I made a big circle, I feel like I need to run through the rain to the main entrance of the building. That's where this one basically ends . . . alarm went off, lol!

Funny thing . . . this last dream rolls up a bunch of things . . . I started the class in Digital Forensics but I have also signed up for a 2-hr class in beading jewelry BUT I had a sewing project I was starting while I was in the 60-day-notice that has now been pushed aside (yes, it involved sequins and beads on sparkly fabric) . . . that sewing project was to get back my skills in sewing and costume making . . . fat chance of that happening for awhile now with the school thing going on. The work project is slowly building up and will be sucking up a lot of time in the next 2 months and onward for awhile.

I am still a Ping-Pong ball!

Strange dreams and a bloody eye!!!

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you had to be ready for something and you are right at the point of doing it when you discover you aren't dressed, don't have on your makeup or aren't anywhere near the place?? hmmmm, does that make any sense??? For example, I can see myself sitting in an audience watching other ppl, knowing that I will be on the stage soon and I realize . . . there are only 5 ppl before my appearance!!!! But I am not ready!! so I am running through the audience going backstage . . . but i have to run all around behind the stage from side-to-side for some reason . . . can't find what I need, etc. I never do make it, lol, because I wake up before then! My anxieties are acting up now for sure.

And, I thought I slept fairly well last night even with that dream . . . but I woke up with my right eye looking quite bloody . . . must be wrestling with many demons and got smacked in the face. It is the right eye which means it wasnt one of the cats probably because they are always on the left side of me and my bed. The CPAP machine sits on the bedside table on the right. who knows really . . . maybe I did it myself with the headgear while rolling around during that dream!

Made an apptment with my doctor for next week. I ordered a starter kit for Alli which arrived yesterday. I'll talk to her about getting started on this (and hope I don't need any handy bridges like Liz was talking about in her blog, lol). Then I will see if she can recommend someone to talk to about that surgery . . . I think I have put it off for too long and now need to check out the more radical methods. Dieting just doesn't work for me (I've done so many "Jenny Craig", liquid diet, low fat, blah, blah) and I hate to make myself sick to lose weight (re:Alli) . . . but sometimes you just have to do something you don't want to do. :-(

Do you ever feel like a Ping-Pong Ball?

As you bounce from from idea, thought, project to another?

Maybe it is more like spinning in a circle as you can't make up your mind about what to do?

Maybe it is having a hard time assigning priorities?

What is the most important thing I need to be doing in my life???? Working on my health/weight!!!! If I don't do this then the consequences could be dire . . . early death due to . . . heart problems, diabetes . . . well, we all know what the risk factors are. What are the benefits of taking care of this . . . look better, feel better, wear clothes that are closer to fitting, less medication (wouldn't that be nice??) . . . just overall feeling better about myself. I have been exercising a lot in the past year with very good results. I have been feeling better overall with more energy and stamina. What I haven't been able to accomplish, no matter how hard I try, re-commit myself, etc, ad nauseum, is to lose the weight that I need to lose. I drop some but not enough. I have all the tools, all the books, all the pamplets, all the helpful hint emails and I have counselors to talk to about setting goals, etc. But I still feel like I just go in circles. What is holding me back now?? hmmmm, well, what is more scary than the fear of dying???? sheeeeesh, this is so stupid sometimes and I just want to scream . . .

What is the thing that absorbs the most time in my??? WORK!!! What do I do when I feel like I might lose my job? After getting over being paralysed by the thought of impending financial disaster , being in the middle of the process of working through my anger over my potential job loss . . . as I've said before, that anger didn't stop with the new position/project (grrrrr, the pay cut will be a good reminder of that fact that it was a job change with loss of income) . . so anger and fear over a major job shift. Well, I get spurred into action by that series of events and decide to look into new career options by taking that Intro class.

So I think work is more important than my health??? I think making money is more important than being happy maybe??? Too much to think about right now but it is not far off the mark . . . Money buys us many things that we need, money provides the means for some of the "things" we desire . . . mostly material but tangential to material also like travel. Would I be happier to get rid of everything? Not sure . . . it isn't like I have that much other than small townhouse, car and cats . . . oh, townhouse stuffed full of unfinished projects too, hehe!

Just more stuff to think about while I need to get back to my boring documentation task for the project!!! Boring but necessary . . . yes, I do feel some responsibilty and I do derive part of my selfworth from a job well done . . . always a quandary!

Thoughts on being in school again

It has certainly changed!! When I think about the last classes I was taking, the internet wasn't so pervasive as it is now. They have on-line registration for classes. The first time I went off to college everything was "manual" . . . lol, long lines and tedious waiting around for everything to be checked and re-checked. Now the long lines are for applications and advising. The instructor can setup everything for a class so you have access on-line to assignments, you turn in your assignments via a soft copy send thru email and carry around your course work on thumb drives (i.e. USB drives). Of course, a lot of the "distance learning" classes are now internet based and more classes have on-line options. Since my class is a computer based class anyway, access to the computer is constant and internet access is wide-open . . . we can browse/google for topics during class. lol, when I first went to work for my big corporation, we didn't even have internet access . . . except for email and that was mostly over the local network.

As everyone who has been in the workforce for the past 20 years knows, the technology has changed tremendously and we keep having to change the tools that we use to do our jobs. And you know that changing technology is also part of the reason why the class I am taking can be so important . . . more ways to capture data, more devices to hack into, more networks/internet access . . . well you get the idea . . . lots of ways to steal data and ppl have to be able to track it down. I am sure that if I stick it out, I'll find out a whole lot more about this field. Right now, my knowledge is fairly low level and I have a lot to learn . . . in more ways than one!

Glad to have a 3-day weekend as it gives me some time to adjust and catch up. In a weird place right now anyway, so I hope I do adjust soon to class and work at the same time.

More later . . . maybe ;) .